"Planning"

Here’s the conversation I had today on chat today between me and a random female I knew from my office in Delhi about 6 years ago. Kindly note that I've not been in touch with her or talked to her in years!
(Typos left as is)

Her: hai, how r u
Me: hey! I'm good
and u?
Her: ok
iam also good
how is life
when u planning to marriage /* WTF!!! Firstly, how does she know I’m NOT married?! Secondly, WTF!!!!! And no, I have not cut out parts of the conversation. She just asked me about marriage first thing!*/
me: life is good.
I’m not planning it. How are things with you?
HER: why /* whyyy??? how the hell is it HER business to know?!*/
iam doing well
planning for a baby
me: oh ok
good luck with that! /* erm… happy humping? */
HER: but same problem is with me' /* What do you mean SAME problem?! what problem???! */
iam taking the treatment /*errrr. Not sure what to say!*/
me: oh ok
HER: where r u
me: in dubai
HER: dubai?
ok
when u r comming to kerala /*errrr. WHY?!*/

...........................
*banging my head against the wall*

Selfish Selfish me.

This is a sad little blog, cold and dark, like a cave. I come here when I want to forget the world that has forgotten me.

Of course, forgetting is not easy. And this cave, so filled with memories, is more a reminder than anything else of the darkness that must exist, of the rain that must fall, in this oh so very solitary journey. I wonder how other people stand it. I guess they're far braver than I will ever be.

I live each day listlessly. I took two days off from work this week. Called in sick. I did nothing all day. I longed for company, and yet shunned it.

I am weary and tired, and need a real hug. One that will fill me up inside and make me feel safe again. Need someone to make me believe that it's all meant to be. But all I have is people telling me to be patient. That'll it'll all be okay. But do you know how long I've felt like an outsider? Do you have any idea how long I've felt like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea?

I've never found home. The demons of my past seem to spring up on me everytime things seem a little better, to remind me that I can't ever escape. And now I'm afraid that I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for fate to catch up with me. And really, I'm tired of running.

I feel like everything I do, I do to avoid being left alone, and yet, I feel more alone than ever. I'm the odd one out, always... like a piece of jigsaw from another puzzle, similar in shape maybe, but one that never quite fits.

This feeling just happened btw. I wasn't unhappy this morning. I wasn't happy either, but I was doing okay, or so I thought. But that feeling of just being, was so easily broken, and I was so easily hurt so deeply, that I feel like it was just a superficial band-aid on a wound that's just been cut too deep to heal.

So I crawl in here, and here I will remain.

Let go!

I'm so tired of constantly trying to avoid thinking of you.

Earth Hour 2009

A few phone calls, a quick visit to the store (they'd turned off their neon signs, and a lot of street lights were off as well) for tea-lights and crisps and I was all set!

On my way back I noticed that the neighbours were out in the corridor, chatting amongst themselves as they had switched off the lights in their houses.

I got home and cheated a bit ( I had to turn on the lights to find the lighter!) and then everything was set! We ended up talking for ages, not turning the lights on even after the hour was over.

Food, friends, chardonnay and good conversation. :o)

And no! That's not me in the pic.

It does matter if you're black or white.

Yes, I liked the movie.
No, I don't think it's Oscar-worthy.

But what i hate now is that though Mr. Patel and Ms. Pinto may be raking in accolades for their performace, the rest of us are being called slumdogs by the white-world.

My blood boils... arrrrrgh!

Life after Love

Just last weekend, we’d met after lunch.
I’d had a heavy lunch and was sleepy. So he took to the wheel while I fell asleep in the passenger seat.

I woke up and looked around.
"Where are we?"
“Umm al Quwain” (about a 100 kms from where we had started off).

We went to the beach and sat in our car, a few feet from the water. Rolled down the windows and watched the sunset. And talked.
Talked for hours about nothing and everything, till long after the sun had set.

I’d like to say it was one of the best days. But so many days with him were so good. Even when we did nothing.

And now…
All around me, my life is surrounded by the things that remind me of him.
His t-shirt (which is now my nightshirt cos it’s so biiiig and comfortable), his sunglasses, which I hate so I’d grabbed it off his head and put it in my bag, and now it’s with me cos I haven’t met him since… the books he wanted me to read, the dvds he wanted me to watch… the chowder I make that he likes so much… the emptiness in my life…

Why does love have to be so difficult when it’s so simple?

So it's Women's Day.

Why bother?