Sunday, November 27, 2005

I loved him. He loved me. then how come it came to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why is it that he is able to move on?
Why is it that it tore my heart to a million pieces when I came to know that he is in love, with someone else. Why does my heart have to break all over again, when it hadn’t even really mended the first time?

I was supposed to hate him right?
I was supposed to have gotten over him right?
I was supposed to ignore his existence right?


Then why did I keep dreaming about him?
Why did I feel like I have to write to him, just to make sure he is ok.

He hit me, so I should hate him.
He was a coward steeped in his religious policies, so I should hate him.
I should.
But I don’t.
And here I am, lonely as hell, working in a job I don’t want to do, living a life I don’t want to live.
and I just found out he is in love. With someone else.
He is happy.
He is serious.
He is commited.

And me?
I’m a broken wreck, people think I’ve come out of my “shell” which I’d been hiding in. they think that cos I wrote to him now, I’m completely happy.

Well, I’m NOT.
So fuck you for thinking I was.

You’re in love, so you’re happy.
Fine

But the thing is, my heart’s still broken.

-------------------------

Update ( cos the above thing doesn't make much sense, I wrote it when I just found out):

I’m ashamed I can’t move on.
Cos I’m still stuck in that rut.
Cos he can move on, but I can’t.
Shit, I feel like such a loser.

I dreamt he was sick. Several times. So I thought I should write to him.
So I wrote him a mail. (No, he hasn’t replied yet. I don’t think he will either. Why should he bother.)
Then a friend told me he’s seeing someone else.
I had suspected it, but I never knew.
Now I do. And I feel terrible cos I’m so bothered by it.
I’m not bothered because I love him. I don’t.
I’m bothered because he is able to move on and I can’t. I’m bothered cos he is capable of falling in love and I’m not.
No one loves me.

I was in a relationship too. I started seeing someone as soon as I broke up with him.
You can judge me all you want. I don’t know if what I did was right or not. But I’m terribly hurt right now. So if you’re gonna judge me, please don’t tell me.
Not now. Maybe later.

But the thing is, I was not in love. I was seeing someone else cos I wanted to forget him. It was a rebound thing. I realised it only later though.
But apparently, that doesn’t work.
Apparently, my heart’s still broken.

Where do I go from here? Or am I already there? Is this it?

On another note: It’s funny how you’re heart is supposedly just a pump that has nothing to do with emotion but when you’re sad, the ache’s in your heart. You can feel it. It’s a physical thing. How is that?

22 comments:

sheela_b said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
KJ said...

I will not give u the usual cliches' like u will meet someone beeter, it all happens for the best... blah blah. i know what u feel..
feel like talking to someone, sharing .. call me.
take care

KJ

Rhyncus said...

Your questions have answers, but I don't think you need 'answers' right now. The immediacy of the pain will pass, I assure you. Though I don't hold much truck with 'moving on' or that thwarted love must be converted into hate, I guess these are all techniques to cope. You will do so too.

esvee said...

Hi Sonia,
Well you cannot completely "get over" the person whom you love.And you will never forget him too..But we have to live and we have to pick ourselves up and walk on...And you will... slowly..even if it takes days,weeks,months or years.

How do i know? I could feel your pain,anger and the frustration..I've been there. Your post brought tears to my eyes..reminded me of my past...maybe the tears were for myself....for all that i lost...five years of courtship and seven years of marriage..then one fine day she asks me for divorce...she is in love with her colleague...i still wonder what went wrong...it was so beautiful while it lasted..I look back and those years were best years of my life.. guess i still haven't "got over" it completely...After two years, I married again and i am rebuilding my life from scratch...but once in a while,the past memories do haunt me...I am trying to "get over" it.i do not know whether that makes me unfaithful to my wife.

Sonia be strong..enjoy being single...go to a restaurant and say "table for one" and treat yourself..get active..do not sit and brood.. read..study something... start a new hobby...and most important, cherish those lovely moments you had in that relationship.It will be painful.. will bring tears.. but when you look back one day, let those years bring a smile to your face.. Please do not hate him or yourself..it will only destroy you...its you who decide whether you should be happy or sad...Be happy always..

Too much advice,eh? I couldn't help it...becos i know how much it hurts. You will come out in flying colors, lady..take care..and have great days! hey this comment would have made a good post in my blog..

Lost in trance... said...

*HUGS*
...totally understand...i had to let go once too...and it was my decision...and i truly believe that was for the better...but even now, memories come back...lotsa good ones and some really bad ones...i try to remain unaffected...even if you let go, u cant totally erase it...but then that doesnt mean u r incapable of love..that is bullshit..i kno how u feel, but i kno u will get over it...believe me..i've walked that path....hang on in there...and be happy for the other one.

Anonymous said...

S., consider yourself lucky that you broke off that relationship. Otherwise, you'd have had to put up with a lifetime of domestic violence. You should feel sorry for the other girl.

(Don't worry about the ache in the chest. It's up to you to get over it. Be positive and get on with other things.)

(The other day I watched this French movie called Jetlag. A fun movie that you could watch.)

First Rain said...

A tight HUG! No Advice though. Just another tight HUG.

Keshi said...

Wow very powerful words...

This kind of reminded me of my past...actually it's exactly the same...that phone call when he rang me and told me he's getting married...how did he find the courage to even do that?


**cos he is capable of falling in love and I’m not.

who said ur not capable of it? Just cos of one loser, u dun lose all ur capabilities?


**No one loves me.

and who said this too? Love is not perfect...just like us? Rem?? It will happen when it's ought to happen and u will know...


**the ache’s in your heart. You can feel it. It’s a physical thing. How is that?

so true...I could feel stabd in my heart...very real physical pain...

Keshi.

Anonymous said...

aaagh...stop sulking and move on. he wasn't worth it in most likelyhood.

zombie said...

Don't say you are incapable of falling in love sweets..coz what you feel for him still...are the remnants of the love u felt for him at that point of time...

Don't curse yourself for feeling bad abt them....its natural. Love doesn't allow us to do what we are 'supposed' to do. Let yourself feel bad...it's okay....and u will after some point of time also move on...

Sonia said...

sheela_b: he isn't an asshole. he's just moved on. i haven't. that's all.

kj: i wish you had written that comment before i spent a 100 bucks on ISD!

rhyncus: we broke up 2 years ago. i'm still 'coping' and not 'moving on'. that's what i'm cheesed off about.

esvee: gosh! i don't know what to say. you've been through a lot. and i can't imagine how i would have behaved in a similar situation. moving on is tough i know. i don't know what to say.

lost in trance: i'm too unhappy about myself to be happy about him. but i'm not unhappy about him. that's good enough for now don't u think?

anonymous: i'll check at the video library! i don't speak french. but that doesn't matter.

FR: *hug*

keshi: i'm not capable of falling in love. not anymore.

anonymous: i'm not sulking. and this is the only place i can "sulk", cos there isn't anyone else to talk to. i know it's probably boring for some. so please feel free to read other more interesting blogs while i do my bit of crying.

zombie: yar, i don't feel bad about them. i feel bad about me.

zombie said...

I know..all I am saying is don't feel bad about feeling bad about this whole thing

sheela_b said...

sorry for my language, sonia. I shudnt have made wide judgement based on what i'm experiencing. truly sorry girl.

Amit said...

If you think no one loves you, why don't you take a bit effort to figure out why? You have been whining and hating and complaining too much. Go get a life!

n.g. said...

he HIT you? ok, that sealed it. what kind of sick fuck hits the person he loves?

you're better off without him. period.

and its not a physical thing. the heart gets the blame. but its all in the mind. mind over matter, thats it. think practically. when you're old and grey youll thank your stars that you did.

Anonymous said...

Hey Sonia,

I am very sure what you are going through right now is a "Denial" phase. The quicker you get out of it, the better it will be for you (psychologically, mentally and physically).

I wrote (I'm the guy who wrote the sulking bit) because I was trying to get you off this phase. Remember, everybody gets hurt at somepoint or the other. And as time passes by, all this will look really silly. I don't think there is one person in the world who hasn't had this happen to them. And I am sure this guy you think of has not entirely "moved on" as you think he has. It is just your perception. I am sure he has his pitfall moments too (not that u should run back to him). Because nobody's perfect.

If he has decided someone else is better suited, then thank G-d that you are not with him.

There is a better way to do this. Think of 10 things you didn't like of him. And write it down and ponder on it.

What if, you had married, and then he decided to have an affair with this other girl?? How much do you know of him? You say you heard about this through someone else. So what makes you think that he was all that trustworthy all this while? Afterall, you also say, he hit you! It shows how much care he has of you. I know I wouldn't do that to my wife.

I hope this post makes my previous post clear ;-).

Nice blog btw. Keep it up.

Amrit(raj) said...

sonia ...


Do what i do - READ BUKOWSKI !!

i guess when you realize that much before you - the Gibran's.. the Neruda's.. the Qabbani's and the Bukowski had fallen into love and had been hurt so bad ... you realize that really... life goes on.

Keshi said...

**i'm not capable of falling in love. not anymore.


u cant say that unless u have met the right guy (or should I say the trigger)...so never say never :)

:)
Keshi.

Joker said...

*HUGS* Tight HUGS for you all the way!!!
I just came out of it. This relocation has helped me a lot. and i am on my way to being okay!

lash said...

funny :))what else can i say?? :)) am i being too arrogant.. :))

u will one day feel that this post wasnt necessary.. and u will laught it off.... thats how human mind works..

phatichar said...

Things will turn out fine...turn around and walk away..tht's the way to do it. I know it's tough to actually do it..but u can.

btw, did u get the asterix I sent u?

death said...

hee hee