I loved him. He loved me. then how come it came to this?
Why did this have to happen?
Why is it that he is able to move on?
Why is it that it tore my heart to a million pieces when I came to know that he is in love, with someone else. Why does my heart have to break all over again, when it hadn’t even really mended the first time?
I was supposed to hate him right?
I was supposed to have gotten over him right?
I was supposed to ignore his existence right?
Then why did I keep dreaming about him?
Why did I feel like I have to write to him, just to make sure he is ok.
He hit me, so I should hate him.
He was a coward steeped in his religious policies, so I should hate him.
But I don’t.
And here I am, lonely as hell, working in a job I don’t want to do, living a life I don’t want to live.
and I just found out he is in love. With someone else.
He is happy.
He is serious.
He is commited.
I’m a broken wreck, people think I’ve come out of my “shell” which I’d been hiding in. they think that cos I wrote to him now, I’m completely happy.
Well, I’m NOT.
So fuck you for thinking I was.
You’re in love, so you’re happy.
But the thing is, my heart’s still broken.
Update ( cos the above thing doesn't make much sense, I wrote it when I just found out):
I’m ashamed I can’t move on.
Cos I’m still stuck in that rut.
Cos he can move on, but I can’t.
Shit, I feel like such a loser.
I dreamt he was sick. Several times. So I thought I should write to him.
So I wrote him a mail. (No, he hasn’t replied yet. I don’t think he will either. Why should he bother.)
Then a friend told me he’s seeing someone else.
I had suspected it, but I never knew.
Now I do. And I feel terrible cos I’m so bothered by it.
I’m not bothered because I love him. I don’t.
I’m bothered because he is able to move on and I can’t. I’m bothered cos he is capable of falling in love and I’m not.
No one loves me.
I was in a relationship too. I started seeing someone as soon as I broke up with him.
You can judge me all you want. I don’t know if what I did was right or not. But I’m terribly hurt right now. So if you’re gonna judge me, please don’t tell me.
Not now. Maybe later.
But the thing is, I was not in love. I was seeing someone else cos I wanted to forget him. It was a rebound thing. I realised it only later though.
But apparently, that doesn’t work.
Apparently, my heart’s still broken.
Where do I go from here? Or am I already there? Is this it?
On another note: It’s funny how you’re heart is supposedly just a pump that has nothing to do with emotion but when you’re sad, the ache’s in your heart. You can feel it. It’s a physical thing. How is that?