Friday, May 15, 2009

Selfish Selfish me.

This is a sad little blog, cold and dark, like a cave. I come here when I want to forget the world that has forgotten me.

Of course, forgetting is not easy. And this cave, so filled with memories, is more a reminder than anything else of the darkness that must exist, of the rain that must fall, in this oh so very solitary journey. I wonder how other people stand it. I guess they're far braver than I will ever be.

I live each day listlessly. I took two days off from work this week. Called in sick. I did nothing all day. I longed for company, and yet shunned it.

I am weary and tired, and need a real hug. One that will fill me up inside and make me feel safe again. Need someone to make me believe that it's all meant to be. But all I have is people telling me to be patient. That'll it'll all be okay. But do you know how long I've felt like an outsider? Do you have any idea how long I've felt like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea?

I've never found home. The demons of my past seem to spring up on me everytime things seem a little better, to remind me that I can't ever escape. And now I'm afraid that I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for fate to catch up with me. And really, I'm tired of running.

I feel like everything I do, I do to avoid being left alone, and yet, I feel more alone than ever. I'm the odd one out, always... like a piece of jigsaw from another puzzle, similar in shape maybe, but one that never quite fits.

This feeling just happened btw. I wasn't unhappy this morning. I wasn't happy either, but I was doing okay, or so I thought. But that feeling of just being, was so easily broken, and I was so easily hurt so deeply, that I feel like it was just a superficial band-aid on a wound that's just been cut too deep to heal.

So I crawl in here, and here I will remain.