Saturday, July 30, 2005

In Response to...

Everyone seems to have such fixed ideas about marriage and relationships. But the thing is, I don't think its fixed. It varies from person to person and relationship to relationship. Everyone has issues of their own, and we have to find someone who understands them and they can be compatible with, people who think similiarly. And its just plain lucky if you do!Cos you think you know a person, and then you see a side of them you never even knew existed. And you're like "What was I thinking??!"

I know loads of people (all of the them women though ) who are unmarried and happy and living full and complete lives, and I know married people (so many that it freaks me out)who are miserable, but just continue to live it like that out of convenience or cos they're scared of society and being on their own. I mean, who decides what is a complete life anyway? YOU do! Cos its YOUR damn life ain't it ?! Who cares if someone else thinks that getting married is the pits, maybe YOU wanna get married, cos you know that's how YOU will be happy. Or maybe you don't.

I KNEW that I would be happy being married when I had first fallen in love. How wrong was I! We had been friends for over three years. We didn't have to tell each other that we had fallen in love, we knew it already. But we hadn't said anything about it cos it was gonna be difficult. He being a Christian and me being a Hindu would make it VERY tough for our parents to accept us. But in the end we decided that we would try and convince our parents anyhow. Later, I find that he is the girlfriend-beating type. Well, He slapped me once and promised it wouldn't happen again. Why did I forgive him? Cos I still loved him! I know, stupid, but it happens a lot. We used to fight ALL the damn time! I was so sick of it, and he was too! Still later, his parents find out he chickens out.

We break up. I'm totally disillusioned obviously. I mean, I thought you meet someone and fall in love and that would be it. I had never felt so alone in all my life. I was all alone in Delhi, with no friends to speak of, no boyfriend and a broken heart. I couldn't run to my family, no way. When my mum came to know about my relationship, she had told me I was being stupid, and that he was a christian, and he will not be there when his parents find out. And I was so sure of myself, and him. I reassured her that that was bullshit! How could I run back to her? I had lost everything, but I was still proud as hell. Must be a leo thing.

Slowly things change. I begin to realise where I had gone wrong. I had had no life of my own in Delhi. I had only acquaintances, no friends. All of my friends were his friends from his college. I was an extension of his life. Which was a big mistake. Cos when that ended, I had nothing.

Slowly, I made friends, tried to fix my life back together. And then things got really bad.He came back into my life again, saying he was sorry for being such a jerk and all, and that he wanted to be friends. I was okay with being friends, cos I still didn't hate him ( I wonder why!).

But he just didn't know how to be friends. He became jealous when guy-friends from work called. He started calling me at all hours of the night and day, telling me that he needed me for emotional support and crap. I had had enough. I told him to leave me alone. I stopped answering his calls. But then he logged into my yahoo messenger ( he had my password and I had not changed it, never thought he would turn out to be a maniac) and checked my mail too and he changed my password and didn't give it to me for three days! Which was the last straw!
I changed my password, changed my house, and phone number.

Before I left, he came to my PG and told me he needed me to be there for him. I told him to never to come to me again, and if he does I would go to the police. He slapped me and walked off before I could recover from the shock and break his nose!

Then one day I was in Green Park market haggling with the auto drivers when suddenly I hear somebody shout my name. I look back and see him beaming at me, so happy that he saw me and all! I couldn't believe the guy! The last time he saw me, he had slapped me and walked off and now he is acting like nothing had happened! I just jumped into the next auto and sped off, to where Rohan( not his real name) was waiting for me.

Rohan, my new boyfriend.

But that is another post.

Thursday, July 28, 2005

Not Ready

Ok, so I'm 24! ( will be this August,anyway! )

So why does that makes ALL the parents I know hyperventilate and start running around looking for "a suitable boy" for me?

I mean, WHY?

Am I now too old for any guy to wanna get married to me? Do I even care?

Why don't people ever ask me if I even want to get married?

I was talking to a married ( happily married) friend of mine and she was asking me what I have against marriage.

The answer is ... NOTHING!

I don't have anything against marriage, but really, I don't have anything for it either.

I asked her to tell me why she enjoyed being married so much. Other than sex of course, and anyway, I've heard that its totally overrated!

She told me about companionship, sharing, caring blah blah...

So her parents chose well.She's just lucky. How will I know that I'm gonna be as lucky as she is and get a guy who will be half as good even? After 19 years of living with my parents, they don't even know who I am, how are they gonna know what kinda guy they'll find for me?

And about falling in love, well, what about it?

I've trusted in my heart and been proved wrong once, who's telling it won't happen again?

I'm just not ready to risk it anymore.

Friday, July 22, 2005

No Bread? Have Cake

It bugs me when people take things so much for granted here.
I guess I shouldn't judge, I could've been just as bad, but I don't remember being this indifferent about the rest of the world.

People fill their glasses with water, drink half of it and throw the rest away. People waste their food cos they're on a diet. They think that a cell phone and cool car are one of the necessities of life.

I remember one cold December night in Delhi when I was going home from work, I was waiting at the signal. There was this boy standing beside the car in front of me, begging. It was about 7 degrees, I was wearing layers and layers of woolens and I was still cold. He was barefoot and wearing shorts. That was it. I will never forget that boy.

I get so bugged with my sister when she wastes water or something. and I yell at her and then we start fighting. She doesn't understand why I have to get so "hyper" about such a "small" thing. And lately I'm so short tempered, I start shouting even though I know I shouldn't. And then the situation obviously becomes worse. She will stubbornly refuse to finish the water cos I'm shouting and I get so upset thinking of the things I've seen in Delhi that pretty soon I start crying and become totally useless!

Life's a bitch sometimes!

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Thank you!

So many things to say! Well, three, actually.

1. So I have a new job.

I'm still in training so they haven't alloted any of the clients to me yet, so I don't really have much to do other than trying to keep myself from falling asleep ( I keep drinking black coffee, and then consequently keep running to the loo!!)

2. I read Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince.

Bought it on the 16th and read it every spare minute. Made me sad. Made me feel cheated. Made me realise that I'm not ready to grow up yet.

3. July 13th 2004, the day I started blogging.

Not this blog of course, I had another one. I wanted it to last for like...EVER, but it had to go. But I'm thankful for a lot of things it gave me.

4. ( ok, now that I've started, I realise I have more to say! It's MY blog after all! )

I miss India.

Yeah, that's all.
Thanx for reading!

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Things are Looking Better!


I'd like to say a big THANK YOU to everyone who commented to my previous post. Thanx for putting up with such a whiner!

I have pretty good news.

I got a job! :o)


All this lamenting around the house doing nothing and thinking about a bleak future is gonna be a thing of the past! Its a great offer! and I'm sure I'm gonna learn a lot! I start on Saturday!

The only problem now is how to juggle my full to overflowing schedule! I had unwittingly just joined for CCNA classes (I should've seen that coming I guess! Murphy's Law!) for which I already paid the fees, and I doubt it's refundable! :o( my work timings cut into my driving and CCNA, which is gonna be BAD!

But that's ok!
As long as I got the job, I can handle everything else!

But my parents are just too much! I had called them from my cell the when I was in the taxi on my way home from the interview to tell them I got the job, and when I got home, they had a marriage proposal waiting for me!! They're like " Now that you have a job, what are you waiting for? Get married!"


Some things never change do they?!

Saturday, July 09, 2005

So Lonely!

I'm terribly lonely. I'm really busy and all that, but I'm so damn lonely!

I'm scared that I'll end up being such an emotional wreck that in the end I'll end up saying yes to any guy that my parents bring thinking that I can escape, and instead I'll be sucked further into the deep pit of lonliness and be beyond help!

I hate feeling like this.