Friday, May 15, 2009

Selfish Selfish me.

This is a sad little blog, cold and dark, like a cave. I come here when I want to forget the world that has forgotten me.

Of course, forgetting is not easy. And this cave, so filled with memories, is more a reminder than anything else of the darkness that must exist, of the rain that must fall, in this oh so very solitary journey. I wonder how other people stand it. I guess they're far braver than I will ever be.

I live each day listlessly. I took two days off from work this week. Called in sick. I did nothing all day. I longed for company, and yet shunned it.

I am weary and tired, and need a real hug. One that will fill me up inside and make me feel safe again. Need someone to make me believe that it's all meant to be. But all I have is people telling me to be patient. That'll it'll all be okay. But do you know how long I've felt like an outsider? Do you have any idea how long I've felt like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea?

I've never found home. The demons of my past seem to spring up on me everytime things seem a little better, to remind me that I can't ever escape. And now I'm afraid that I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for fate to catch up with me. And really, I'm tired of running.

I feel like everything I do, I do to avoid being left alone, and yet, I feel more alone than ever. I'm the odd one out, always... like a piece of jigsaw from another puzzle, similar in shape maybe, but one that never quite fits.

This feeling just happened btw. I wasn't unhappy this morning. I wasn't happy either, but I was doing okay, or so I thought. But that feeling of just being, was so easily broken, and I was so easily hurt so deeply, that I feel like it was just a superficial band-aid on a wound that's just been cut too deep to heal.

So I crawl in here, and here I will remain.


Anonymous said...

tight hug! if it's any consolation you are not alone.


Tintin said...

we all feel like this at one point...but dont forget,this too will words of patience...cry if u want,feel miserable but at the end u have to come out..a tight hug!!

Anonymous said...

This may not offer any consolation but there are plenty of people out there who feel the same. Or, actually, worse. I know because I do at most times. But, I think you should never allow yourself to completely give in to these thoughts.

Many hugs to you. Also, I hope you are feeling better.


Anonymous said...

Many hugs and much love!

Lydia said...

I understand every word you're saying. In the "alone" thing... you're not. Not really.

K said...

It isn't that people are "braver"...they're just pretending to be so :-)

You need to listen to Badlands by Springsteen.

And, you need to make another trip here...looks like we have some unfinished business!

Reflections said...

I'm must be terrible to feel like this:-(.
I too have my moments, but nothing like how u've written.

But I do believe "My time will come...u bet it will";-D

Are u feeling better now??????

dumb_ank said...

its a phase...goes away, take the day as it comes, with the hope its just today, tommorow will be different. small things help, a smile by the door man.
can't sit on ur tashreef, do something. thats what i do.
but again, with all the advice i see here, no one really knows. just hope that it changes. umeed par jindagi kayam hai!!!
take care.

dumb_ank said...

and am does it make you selfish??!?

Sonia said...

Thanks everyone! Yes, I'm feeling better now. Don't feel like blogging though, been very busy trying to survive!

dumb_ank: Selfish cos in this post I was wallowing in sadness for myself, and that's selfish right?

Anonymous said...

Kisses. However bad thngs are they could always have been worse, no?


Sonia said...

Okay, who ARE you E?

dumb_ank said...

well don't think it is...someone needs to think of you...and if there is no one....then its ok if u are that someone...
u can't keep on giving always...someone needs to give back as well. if no one is...then is surely is not selfish to stop giving or rather diverting what u give to urself.
remember, if ur happy, u make everyone around u happy, its not sustainable to keep on giving if ur not happy, if u don't have anything to give, simple +/- rule of maths...
take care, tell us if u feel better.

Sonia said...

dumb_ank: thanks for your concern. I'm ok i guess. Will update one of these days. I hope!

GhostOfTomJoad said...

Oh, look who's been talking about updating!

And, missy, you're going to need more than just 'a superficial band-aid' when we meet next month!