Tuesday, October 11, 2005

I'm not sure if I should post this or not. I wrote this when I just woke up and was groggy with sleep and still feeling a bit scared. It's a bit tedious. And quite possibly boring.
You have been warned!


It’s 5: 07 am by my pc clock. My arms are still aching from the pain of having curled into a fetal position for so long. I had the weirdest dream and I’m putting it down here so that I can remember it.
I’m putting a * to some bits that are not a part of my dream, but can make you understand the people and my relationship with them better. All names have been changed except for Rahul.


My Dream:

It’s the day before my graduation. I’m apparently at my home in Kerala. But the house looks different. I call up my friend Sarah and her mum picks up the phone. *Her mum doesn’t like me. Feels I’m too independent for my own good.
Then I call Lena, I talk for a few minutes but don’t get what I want. Then I grudgingly call Mohan, cos I’d been avoiding him for some time now. *He loves me. I don’t. I had made that clear from the beginning. Though his feelings for me don’t change, we both try to make an effort to be good friends.
I have to go to college.
For something.
He either offers to come with me, or he is the one who wants to go to college and persuades me to go with him. And since I’m not doing anything else, I go with him. Dunno, but we set off in his car to go to college.

We don’t go to college, we go to the nearby mountain and then.
Then, I’m what I’ve always wanted to be. A journalist, not an engineer. But a journalist. And I am trying to get information on some drug racket by interviewing one of the people. There’s me and Mohan and this fat photographer.

But the guy who I was supposed to interview does not come up. He sent this other guy who claimed to be a cop. He said he’s going to have me arrested for something. And I’m trying to explain to him he’s got the wrong person but he doesn’t listen. He asks all of us to get into the jeep.

And then I died.

I don’t know how or anything. I’m just dead. And I have this vague feeling that the cop killed us all. I’m in a car with Mohan and the other photographer guy and I’m feeling very guilty cos I feel like it’s my fault that Mohan and the photographer is stuck in the car. And I’m not sure if anyone knows we’re dead. I have no idea of how much time has passed. I feel guilty cos Mohan is close to his mum and I’m imagining his mum waiting for her son to come back from college, the son who’s going to graduate the next day. And somehow I get us all killed cos of my interview. But Mohan is happy cos we’re still together. And I’m still in the car and I’m talking to both of them like I’m not dead. I’m not sure if we realize we're dead.

We’re parked in this lonely street. There’s nobody else around and its night. Maybe it’s the night we died. Suddenly, this other guy comes up. It’s Rohan, my ex-boyfriend, and he’s always been the jealous type. I know he would be angry that I’m sitting in a car talking with two other guys.
He is angry. And I’m scared cos I realize he’s dead.
And he’s angry.
And I get out of the car. And that’s when I realize that till then, I was sitting in the car without really wanting to, but I couldn’t get out. Not till Rohan came.
And I wasn’t aware that I couldn’t get out.
And the car wasn’t even an obstruction for Rohan, he just plain walked through it and I saw him and just jumped up and got out of the car without opening the door or anything. And suddenly I’m out of the car too. And I walking with him and I tell him that it’s always been him. And he’s happy and we’re walking together in that empty street.
There are houses on either side of the street but everything’s quiet and somehow I know this is Mohan’s street and I know his mum is in there, in one of the houses, probably cursing me, cos it’s my fault her son’s not with her.
And then Rohan is talking to me and we’re talking about death cos I’m new to death, I don’t know anything about it. Don’t even really know that I am dead.
And he’s telling me everything about how I died. Seems that man wasn’t a cop and he had killed us all. Killed us and dumped us into the gutter. And when he said this, the gutter at the side of the road started overflowing. And the lid came off, and I see a body there. The same thing happens with the gutter on the other side of the road, another body appears. I can’t see the faces, cos they’re both floating head down in the water. But I know it’s Mohan and the photographer.

And then, I finally hear the people in the houses. They’re coming. You see, they hadn’t discovered the bodies till then. And I know Mohan’s mum’s become old and that’s she hadn’t even put her son to rest. He (his ghost or watever) was probably still in the car.
I dunno.
I had just gone off with Rohan.
I feel selfish.

I was horrified with the bodies, cos I wasn’t really even aware of being dead. I was just finding out. And Rohan was telling me. Then the place gets crowded with people. Lots of people. And now the streets seemed like Delhi, and not Kerala. The same streets, but a different feel to it.
Felt like Delhi.

I’m walking around; trying to understand the fact that I was dead and that no one could see me.
Rohan tried telling me I was dead. But I wouldn’t believe. I kept walking and looking at everyone hoping that at least one of them would look back at me.
And then it happened. A little girl, maybe 4 years old, *She resembles my neighbor from Kenya who left the country years ago.

I looked at her, and I saw her looking right back at me. So I go to her and hold her little face in my hands and I can see my reflection in her blue-black eyes. And I ask her “Can u hear me, little girl?” and she says yes, and she knows who I am too.
She smiles and says “Rahul was bending over at the riverbank there (she points to her right) and he sees your reflection in the water, and he got married to Her (dunno who Rahul is, dunno who ‘Her’ is) so that you could be with Rohan. "

And it was like I realized for the first time what had actually happened.
That I was dead and had been for a long time.
And when that realization struck it was so amazing and frightening that I woke up, immediately. But not with my eyes open. It’s like I just came back into consciousness and I’m back in my bed and my eyes are still closed. And that’s never happened before. I always open my eyes before I wake up. And I thought everyone did. But not this time. I woke with my eyes closed. I kept lying in that position and was too scared to move and my eyes tightly shut. I stayed that in that position for what seemed like a long time. Till I heard the Azan.
That’s when I finally relaxed. And then opened my eyes. And shifted my position to relieve my cramped muscles.
And now I’m here. Writing this, trying to make sense of this dream.
Rohan is the rebound guy. We broke up. But we’re still friends. I was chatting online with him yesterday night, so maybe that’s why I dreamt about him. I don’t know really.

It’s all really confusing and it’s been over an hour that I’ve been writing. And I’m tired. And I still have to go to work. I’m sad somehow. Don’t know why Rahul , whoever he is, had to get married to someone so that I could be with Rohan. Feel really selfish, cos he saw my reflection in the water. He saw me as a ghost. I haunted that place I guess.

I don’t feel too good.

27 comments:

Rabbi's Arbit Ramblings said...

WOW!!
Whatay cool piece!!
Left me speechless for 5 secs. I managed to type in these in the next 5 secs before I lose my pragya. ;) Just kidding. Nice post. Get more coming.

esvee said...

Paging Mr.Freud..!We have an emergency here..!

That sure was a dream! Take care.

Kahini said...

Gosh! Speechless.

vAgue said...

whoa....
take care, girl
and mail Mr M Night shyamalan...
:)

jaguu said...

hmmm....

tell me again what U eat last night? :P

Sonia said...

rabbi: and and jithu, peas from the same pod eh? can't be serious for one minute!

connectany: i don't want his opinions, i want your's!

kahini: why kahini? and i really wanna know.

vague: do u know his email id? ? *grin*

jaggu: nothing special. :o)

Kahini said...

The way you remember every detail! After dreams like this, I only wake up with a vague sense of unease.

Rahul said...

wow! was that intense! And such vivid detail! I must say you scared the living daylights out of me. The dream was scary enough, but a person having the capacity to dream that, that takes the prize for freaking me out.
Anyway, ancilliary detail- You got another example of how very altruistic Rahuls of this world are ;-)

Joker said...

Intense. *HUGS* hope you feeling better now.

By the way what did you eat before going to bed? :-P

Sonia said...

kahini: i didn't want to forget it. which i why i wrote it down right away.

rahul: you probably dream stuff like that and forget. you know what really REALLY freaked me out was the way i woke up. it was immediate. a rush to consciousness. but with my eyes closed. i wud have thought my eyes would open before i realized i was awake. but i didn't. i woke up with my eyes closed. and i was freaked! and about the rahuls of the world... ha ha! yeah right! this was a dream, you know, esp that part! :P

joker: you're the second person who's asking me that! i ate totally normal food, nothing unusual! if u must know WHAT exactly it was chapatti and veg kurma. happy?

Jithu said...

even i want to write some of my dreams (which cud be top action flicks if made to a film ;-)) bt usually these dreams become a haze when i wake up.

KJ said...

wow!!!

that was some dream...
take care...

did u watch any scary movie y'day?

usually when i have nightmares, i wake up feeling depressed & vague, but the dream / nightmare is always a haze. ur dreams are a vivid memory for u even the next day..

take care

Anonymous said...

Nice dream. Since school days, I was obsessed with topics like parascience, out-of-body experiences, occult, undead, vampires, ghosts and the like. In school hostel, there were others who had similar sentiments and we used to 'haunt' the church cemetery on Saturday nights waiting for any ghosts to emerge from the grave. During my 3rd year in Manipal, one of our collegemates died from a motorcycle accident with a truck, while on an outing to Kudremukh hills. The police came after many hours waiting on the road with her body. It was a gory scene. For many weeks, it gave shivers down the spine when biking alone at night. Spin-doctors came out with stories of the mutilated girl thumping for a lift at the entrance to town, and the faint-hearted wouldn't bike out after dark.
Do you think there are ghosts?
It would feels nice to float around and watch the world go by, without being affected by it. Perhaps I will visit the whit house, maybe come around and scare my boss and mini-bosses once in a while.
Not that I am in a hurry to be one!

Rahul said...

well, i guess it means that the you folks can only dream about the Rahuls. Anyway, you got me thinking, and i find it quite weird indeed, how you woke up with your eyes closed. Somehow, neither can i fathom how that can be done. Hey wait! what if when you thought you woke up with your eyes closed, you were still dreaming, but something new,and then you cut it off too when you opened your eyes. Howzatt!

Sonia said...

kj: nope, no scary movie. not unless u think miss congeniality 2 is scary! and i can only remember it cos i wrote it down then and there. so that i wudn't forget.

anonymous: yes, i do feel there are ghosts.

rahul: uffo! you and the other rahuls of the world!! and nope, i was not dreaming that i woke with my eyes closed, cos i kept them closed for a long time till i heard the azan, i was scared to open them. i dunno why, but i was really really scared.

Sonia said...

and oh anonymous: i don't think the dream is nice, not at ALL!

jithu: u don't remember ur dreams right? then how do u know they're action flicks?? :P

Jithu said...

i dont have to remember the entire story of my dream to recognize it as an action one, a gist will do; where as if i want to write it, i have to remember the entire stuff.. solved? :-))

Rabbi's Arbit Ramblings said...

Nothing is more sad than the death of an illusion...
(Arthur Koestler)

First Rain said...

Goodness gracious girl! What have you been upto? :D

I cannot seem to remember my dreams now. I used to earlier. Maybe they will come back some day.

Take care of yourself. *hugs*

Joker said...

anyways *HUGS* sonia...

the wise old man said...

...what if you didnt wake up??

Lost in trance... said...

...u were sitting in the car even if u didnt really want to...and somehow couldnt get out......but u cud wen someone came along...


interesting dontyu thnk? i know that feeling.

. : A : . said...

Very vivid and detailed dream. And interesting too. Going to read it again.

Leela said...

What a dream!

:)

Sonia said...

jithu: but i don't think you're that kinda person, to tell anyone else about ur dreams. i may be wrong of course!

rabbi: what illusion?

FR: i'm trying to! *hugs* :o)

joker: *hugs* :o)
zerish: i dunno obviously. but it seemed pretty complete, if u know what i mean. it didn't feel like i had anything else left to know.

Lost in Trance: really? you've felt that? i haven't, ever!

A: i read it several times myself, to try and understand. but didn't expect anyone else wud want to! :o) thanx!

leela: tell me about it!

hotICE said...

hmmm... a good account of your dream (in a lighter note though).. found it interesting.. sometimes, dreams are strange.. very strange indeed

the Monk said...

weird dream...but then dreams generally are...anyway, nice post...keep going...