I'm not sure if I should post this or not. I wrote this when I just woke up and was groggy with sleep and still feeling a bit scared. It's a bit tedious. And quite possibly boring.
You have been warned!
It’s 5: 07 am by my pc clock. My arms are still aching from the pain of having curled into a fetal position for so long. I had the weirdest dream and I’m putting it down here so that I can remember it.
I’m putting a * to some bits that are not a part of my dream, but can make you understand the people and my relationship with them better. All names have been changed except for Rahul.
It’s the day before my graduation. I’m apparently at my home in Kerala. But the house looks different. I call up my friend Sarah and her mum picks up the phone. *Her mum doesn’t like me. Feels I’m too independent for my own good.
Then I call Lena, I talk for a few minutes but don’t get what I want. Then I grudgingly call Mohan, cos I’d been avoiding him for some time now. *He loves me. I don’t. I had made that clear from the beginning. Though his feelings for me don’t change, we both try to make an effort to be good friends.
I have to go to college.
He either offers to come with me, or he is the one who wants to go to college and persuades me to go with him. And since I’m not doing anything else, I go with him. Dunno, but we set off in his car to go to college.
We don’t go to college, we go to the nearby mountain and then.
Then, I’m what I’ve always wanted to be. A journalist, not an engineer. But a journalist. And I am trying to get information on some drug racket by interviewing one of the people. There’s me and Mohan and this fat photographer.
But the guy who I was supposed to interview does not come up. He sent this other guy who claimed to be a cop. He said he’s going to have me arrested for something. And I’m trying to explain to him he’s got the wrong person but he doesn’t listen. He asks all of us to get into the jeep.
And then I died.
I don’t know how or anything. I’m just dead. And I have this vague feeling that the cop killed us all. I’m in a car with Mohan and the other photographer guy and I’m feeling very guilty cos I feel like it’s my fault that Mohan and the photographer is stuck in the car. And I’m not sure if anyone knows we’re dead. I have no idea of how much time has passed. I feel guilty cos Mohan is close to his mum and I’m imagining his mum waiting for her son to come back from college, the son who’s going to graduate the next day. And somehow I get us all killed cos of my interview. But Mohan is happy cos we’re still together. And I’m still in the car and I’m talking to both of them like I’m not dead. I’m not sure if we realize we're dead.
We’re parked in this lonely street. There’s nobody else around and its night. Maybe it’s the night we died. Suddenly, this other guy comes up. It’s Rohan, my ex-boyfriend, and he’s always been the jealous type. I know he would be angry that I’m sitting in a car talking with two other guys.
He is angry. And I’m scared cos I realize he’s dead.
And he’s angry.
And I get out of the car. And that’s when I realize that till then, I was sitting in the car without really wanting to, but I couldn’t get out. Not till Rohan came.
And I wasn’t aware that I couldn’t get out.
And the car wasn’t even an obstruction for Rohan, he just plain walked through it and I saw him and just jumped up and got out of the car without opening the door or anything. And suddenly I’m out of the car too. And I walking with him and I tell him that it’s always been him. And he’s happy and we’re walking together in that empty street.
There are houses on either side of the street but everything’s quiet and somehow I know this is Mohan’s street and I know his mum is in there, in one of the houses, probably cursing me, cos it’s my fault her son’s not with her.
And then Rohan is talking to me and we’re talking about death cos I’m new to death, I don’t know anything about it. Don’t even really know that I am dead.
And he’s telling me everything about how I died. Seems that man wasn’t a cop and he had killed us all. Killed us and dumped us into the gutter. And when he said this, the gutter at the side of the road started overflowing. And the lid came off, and I see a body there. The same thing happens with the gutter on the other side of the road, another body appears. I can’t see the faces, cos they’re both floating head down in the water. But I know it’s Mohan and the photographer.
And then, I finally hear the people in the houses. They’re coming. You see, they hadn’t discovered the bodies till then. And I know Mohan’s mum’s become old and that’s she hadn’t even put her son to rest. He (his ghost or watever) was probably still in the car.
I had just gone off with Rohan.
I feel selfish.
I was horrified with the bodies, cos I wasn’t really even aware of being dead. I was just finding out. And Rohan was telling me. Then the place gets crowded with people. Lots of people. And now the streets seemed like Delhi, and not Kerala. The same streets, but a different feel to it.
Felt like Delhi.
I’m walking around; trying to understand the fact that I was dead and that no one could see me.
Rohan tried telling me I was dead. But I wouldn’t believe. I kept walking and looking at everyone hoping that at least one of them would look back at me.
And then it happened. A little girl, maybe 4 years old, *She resembles my neighbor from Kenya who left the country years ago.
I looked at her, and I saw her looking right back at me. So I go to her and hold her little face in my hands and I can see my reflection in her blue-black eyes. And I ask her “Can u hear me, little girl?” and she says yes, and she knows who I am too.
She smiles and says “Rahul was bending over at the riverbank there (she points to her right) and he sees your reflection in the water, and he got married to Her (dunno who Rahul is, dunno who ‘Her’ is) so that you could be with Rohan. "
And it was like I realized for the first time what had actually happened.
That I was dead and had been for a long time.
And when that realization struck it was so amazing and frightening that I woke up, immediately. But not with my eyes open. It’s like I just came back into consciousness and I’m back in my bed and my eyes are still closed. And that’s never happened before. I always open my eyes before I wake up. And I thought everyone did. But not this time. I woke with my eyes closed. I kept lying in that position and was too scared to move and my eyes tightly shut. I stayed that in that position for what seemed like a long time. Till I heard the Azan.
That’s when I finally relaxed. And then opened my eyes. And shifted my position to relieve my cramped muscles.
And now I’m here. Writing this, trying to make sense of this dream.
Rohan is the rebound guy. We broke up. But we’re still friends. I was chatting online with him yesterday night, so maybe that’s why I dreamt about him. I don’t know really.
It’s all really confusing and it’s been over an hour that I’ve been writing. And I’m tired. And I still have to go to work. I’m sad somehow. Don’t know why Rahul , whoever he is, had to get married to someone so that I could be with Rohan. Feel really selfish, cos he saw my reflection in the water. He saw me as a ghost. I haunted that place I guess.
I don’t feel too good.