Good things will come!

You know... regarding the below post... I was upset last night, yes. For all of the reasons I mentioned already. But it was temporary. I talked to K, who tried his best to make me feel better (at 1:30am his time, poor thing) and then I called my best friend N (sometimes you need to talk to a girl to make you feel better!).
I told her " N! J is a dad!" and she said " So?" and instantly I felt better.
*grin*
And I got to thinking about things and realized that I don't have any regrets regarding any of my relationships. Even the one that I'm not in now (it's complicated). And I don't even for a second regret the fact that I did not get married to any of the people my parents wanted me to.
I know of people who were "coaxed" into marriage by their parents thinking that they were doing the right thing. And everytime I feel bad about being alone, I think about these people I know who have miserable married lives and pull their marriage certificate over their eyes to convince themselves they are not as alone as I am.

Well, at least I have hope!

I've been ill for the past few days. I went online today, tired of lying in bed all day long. Got online and the ex-boyfriend comes online. The one who at one point of time I thought was the love of my life. The one who hit me. The one who stalked me after we broke up. The one whom I took years to get over. The one who made me think I will not be able to fall in love again (thank God I was wrong about that!)

He wanted to let me know that he's become a dad.

I have no words to describe what I feel right now.
I don't love him, I'm not upset by the fact that he's happy with his life. I'm just upset that my life is going nowhere.

I think I'm going to move. I'm not sure where.
I need to go away.

Money or Mastercard?

A new dress from DKNY - 930GBP
A new hairdo by Richard Ward - at least 250GBP (website here, if you have the moolah!)
Susan Boyle today.... priceless!

Stocking up on skywards!

Last week:
Ok, so the presentation went well. Got a lot of positive response from the gathering in Muscat.(could have been the awesome food at the hotel! :P)

But a scary thing happened while I was there. At 6:30 in the morning, I was asleep in my room, and I got a call on my phone. I answered and a male voice said he was calling from the reception and wanted to confirm if i was staying alone in the room. I was half asleep and confused. I confirmed that I was alone. He then said that the hotel was offering a complimentary massage in my room. I was kinda confused by that, "errr.... okayy...?" and then the guy said that it was a massuer which made me feel suspicious. I said I'm not interested and he asked me if any of my friends would be interested.
?!
He thought I was part of some cabin crew!
I said that he'd have to check with them and hung up on him.
I called guest relations, tracked the call to another room at the hotel, made a formal complaint against the guy, and they had him kicked out!

Imagine if I'd let the guy into my room!
And this was no cheap hotel. It was a 5 star one with chains all over the world! The hotel was of course, very apologetic and whatever, but how does that change anything?!

Next week:
I'm going for a quick break to India (nasik) with friends. Hope it stops raining soon and the roads aren't flooded cos we're driving from bombay to Nasik to a vineyard out there. They have a lovely bungalow too which they rent out and I intend to be in a state of complete inebriation when I'm there! :D
Hopefully I won't meet with crazy fake-masseurs while I'm there!

*gulp*

I have my very first corporate presentation coming up on Monday. I will be doing a presentation in front of 30 odd people from 10-12 different companies, in front of people with business cards that read Country Manager and Chief Strategy Officer and whatnot.
I hope I survive!

Oh, and the presentation is in Muscat. Anyone from Muscat reading this blog? Mail me!

"Planning"

Here’s the conversation I had today on chat today between me and a random female I knew from my office in Delhi about 6 years ago. Kindly note that I've not been in touch with her or talked to her in years!
(Typos left as is)

Her: hai, how r u
Me: hey! I'm good
and u?
Her: ok
iam also good
how is life
when u planning to marriage /* WTF!!! Firstly, how does she know I’m NOT married?! Secondly, WTF!!!!! And no, I have not cut out parts of the conversation. She just asked me about marriage first thing!*/
me: life is good.
I’m not planning it. How are things with you?
HER: why /* whyyy??? how the hell is it HER business to know?!*/
iam doing well
planning for a baby
me: oh ok
good luck with that! /* erm… happy humping? */
HER: but same problem is with me' /* What do you mean SAME problem?! what problem???! */
iam taking the treatment /*errrr. Not sure what to say!*/
me: oh ok
HER: where r u
me: in dubai
HER: dubai?
ok
when u r comming to kerala /*errrr. WHY?!*/

...........................
*banging my head against the wall*

Selfish Selfish me.

This is a sad little blog, cold and dark, like a cave. I come here when I want to forget the world that has forgotten me.

Of course, forgetting is not easy. And this cave, so filled with memories, is more a reminder than anything else of the darkness that must exist, of the rain that must fall, in this oh so very solitary journey. I wonder how other people stand it. I guess they're far braver than I will ever be.

I live each day listlessly. I took two days off from work this week. Called in sick. I did nothing all day. I longed for company, and yet shunned it.

I am weary and tired, and need a real hug. One that will fill me up inside and make me feel safe again. Need someone to make me believe that it's all meant to be. But all I have is people telling me to be patient. That'll it'll all be okay. But do you know how long I've felt like an outsider? Do you have any idea how long I've felt like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea?

I've never found home. The demons of my past seem to spring up on me everytime things seem a little better, to remind me that I can't ever escape. And now I'm afraid that I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for fate to catch up with me. And really, I'm tired of running.

I feel like everything I do, I do to avoid being left alone, and yet, I feel more alone than ever. I'm the odd one out, always... like a piece of jigsaw from another puzzle, similar in shape maybe, but one that never quite fits.

This feeling just happened btw. I wasn't unhappy this morning. I wasn't happy either, but I was doing okay, or so I thought. But that feeling of just being, was so easily broken, and I was so easily hurt so deeply, that I feel like it was just a superficial band-aid on a wound that's just been cut too deep to heal.

So I crawl in here, and here I will remain.