On a Blue Moon Night...

It's the end of a very disappointing year.

I was dyyying for 2009 to end, even though it actually went by at break-neck speed.

We're finally on the last day of the year and as I look back, I'm trying to think of some of the positive things that happened in the year (I don't need to think of the negative, they were so devastating that it need not be put down here to be remembered for posterity).

April 2009- Delhi

Met with AB for the first time, and met K and Zombie again.

This was the best of my trips for the year, in spite of all the travelling I did after.

I miss Delhi.

July 2009 - Nasik

Stayed at The Beyond at Sula , which was awesome! The wine was fabulous and the food they cooked for us was orgasmic! We gained a lottttt of weight in 3 days, all 8 of us! :o)

August 2009 -Cairo

This was excellent. I was there on business, and so I didn't have to spend a dime on myself (except for those earrings I bought at the souq, but that was a steal!)

also August 2009- Kerala

Went there mainly for a friend's wedding. My bday was on the same day as the mehndi function and it was the worst bdays to date! Hardly anyone wished me (this one woman called me, talked to me randomly, hung up, then called back again 5 mins later cos her husband reminded her it was my bday and she wished me as a afterthought), and I kept being shifted from one house to another due to various reasons, feeling completely unwanted and like a huge nuisance. Wanted to get away ASAP.

Not the best of months for me.

Nov-Dec 2009 - Spain

Bittersweet. The place was beautiful. I would have enjoyed more if I was in a better frame of mind.

Nov-Dec 2009 - Uk

LOVED the UK! There was this one day that I spent in London by myself, walking around with my nose buried in my Lonely Planet, taking train after train from one place to another. It was fabulous! I'm quite an expert now at taking the Tube :D.

Oh, and this one night, we were right outside as Nicole Kidman and Kate Hudson and Penelope Cruz were walking out from the premiere of Nine at Leicester Sq! And the next day, I took off to Cambridge, and my cousin took me to Ely Cathedral at (duh!) Ely, and Colin Firth was shooting for a movie there! :D

The funny part was, everyone in the Uk was super nice! I've heard so much about how stiff and cold the British are and how there is a lot of racism there, but thankfully, I didn't experience anything! A lot of times I would be the only Indian in a very english pub, and though they'd give me the once over (I guess it's not often you see a single Indian girl in a pub ordering bangers and mash) they were mostly nice and would become chatty, or else just leave me to myself. I was delighted with England, and England seemed quite delighted with me! :o)

Anyway... my vacations are all over for the year. And hopefully, the suckiness will be over too.

I hope that 2010 will be saner.

I hope that I can forget and forgive. And forget. Oh how I wish I forget!

I wish, I hope, I pray....

Relapse.

fuck!

my own Guy Fawkes poem

Remember remember, the 22nd of November.

Disbelief, tears and a lot of anger.

You will heal, you're loads better already

These things take time, just go slow and steady.

Remember remember, the 22nd of November.

You're ok! Next time, just choose better! ;)

Imponente Formentor!

I'm back from my 2 week vacation to Spain and the UK and it was fabulous! I actually got back last thursday, but it's taken me almost a week to get over the whole jet-lag thing! Which is weird, cos I didn't suffer from jet-lag when I was there! (either that, or I was too drunk to tell! :P)

I've got hundreds of pics of course, but lemme ease you in!

The ones above were taken at a place called Formentor in Mallorca (Spain).

I have never seen so much of the ocean ever! Esp from such a height! We went right to the top of that cliff, and the view of the ocean from there is just so breathtakingly beautiful. And so humbling! You realize how small you are in the bigger scheme of things.

When we went back and met with some locals, they said that everyday, at least 1 person jumped off the cliff there! Every day! Mannn!

But I gotta say, it's pretty easy to jump from there than say, to hang from a noose or something!

It's so beautiful that you'd feel like you're just joining in with the waves and becoming one with them (which you probably would, eventually, after being smashed to smithereens by the rocks!)

But you know... it would be like the whole ashes to ashes thing. I think it'd be a pretty good way to die actually!

Ok, enough talking about death.

I'll be back with more pics later.

Adios chicos!

Where do i go from Here?

I don't even have it in me to cry, though I badly want to and wish I could.

I'm tired, and physically in pain, not to mentioned emotionally drained.

I wish this would all just get over with already....

The Ick Factor

I've a weird feeling about this guy I met recently.

I have a sneaking suspicion he's interested in me.

Not that a man being interested in a woman is weird!

Only... this dude is 4 years younger than me!

He's a sweet kid and all, and I was all flattered with the attention in the beginning, but now he calls me all the time and I'm not sure what to do abt it!

and time.... goes by... so slowly...

I've just ticked London and Palma (Spain) in my Travelmap on Facebook for "cities I'm going to visit"!

:D

I'm sooooooo eskiiited!

Book-lover's spat!

You know that thing about those mills and boons books that everyone seems to like?
People like to read it cos there's always a happy ending?
I can't read them!
They're completely unoriginal (which is a sort of a given) and so boring!
I know how it's going to end, so I have no patience for the soppy heroine who's wondering if she'll have her "happily ever after". I can't empathize. And it's not even like a good chick-flick movie where there's some comedy or at least a good pair of shoes to lust after, if nothing else!
Give me a Walk in the Woods with Bill Bryson anyday(hilaaaarious!).

Why am I talking about this suddenly?
I went to the Magrudy's warehouse sale yesterday, a half hour before it closed, and was frantically looking around for books and ended up with 2 lonely planets (for 5bucks a piece! :D ) and 3 other random books, out of which one is a chick-lit that somehow irritates me no end!
Chick-lits aren't as bad as Mills and Boons. They're usually quite funny. But this one is just buggin! I feel like telling the author to just GROW UP, live a little, get some real problems, then maybe attempt to write!

Anyway...maybe it's just me! So I'm gonna dump this book! ASAP! So if anyone sees a brand-new Mrs.zhivago of Queen's Park just lying around a coffee-shop or something... you're welcome to it!

I'm off to the sale again today, I'm going to get a few more lonely planets and see what else I can scavenge!

Arrrrrrgh!

i hate hate hate hate hate HATE HATE HAAAAAAAAATE my job!
Someone give me a new one before I self destruct!

Movie Moments

Today we all went to watch a movie. Inglorious Basterds. We decided kinda at the last minute, and around 9 people ended up coming. After the movie, we went to get ice-cream, and we were all sitting around our table at the ice-cream shop, planning our next trip (to Spain *fingers crossed*) and joking and laughing and just generally being when one couple takes out a sheet of paper and passes it around.
It's a sonogram.

She's pregnant and he's beaming with happiness.
Everyone's shocked and overjoyed and hugging the girl and shaking hands, making cracks about getting old and having babies and midnight cravings and labour rooms and whatnot. I'm so excited and happy for her, for them.

Of course, the moment was bitter-sweet.
We're all growing up now. We won't be able to take off to Spain, or even a movie, at a moment's notice anymore. Priorities change, life happens, as it should!

The whole scene today, the atmosphere at the ice-cream parlour, everyone's general bonhomie... I just want to capture moments like these. And hope that I too, some day, may have a day like this. I realize now that I don't want anything very extraordinary out of life.
Love, marriage, babies, friendship... that's not too bad is it? Or is it too much to ask for?

I guess I'll worry about it another day.

Why wait for the new year for change?

My sis leaves tomorrow, my job sucks, my love-life is non-existent, my friends are busy with their own lives...
So, instead of moping around, I thought I'd do something interesting.
I've volunteered for MEIFF. I hope to do something different, meet new people, have some fun...
a little change is always for the better, right?!

Good things will come!

You know... regarding the below post... I was upset last night, yes. For all of the reasons I mentioned already. But it was temporary. I talked to K, who tried his best to make me feel better (at 1:30am his time, poor thing) and then I called my best friend N (sometimes you need to talk to a girl to make you feel better!).
I told her " N! J is a dad!" and she said " So?" and instantly I felt better.
*grin*
And I got to thinking about things and realized that I don't have any regrets regarding any of my relationships. Even the one that I'm not in now (it's complicated). And I don't even for a second regret the fact that I did not get married to any of the people my parents wanted me to.
I know of people who were "coaxed" into marriage by their parents thinking that they were doing the right thing. And everytime I feel bad about being alone, I think about these people I know who have miserable married lives and pull their marriage certificate over their eyes to convince themselves they are not as alone as I am.

Well, at least I have hope!

I've been ill for the past few days. I went online today, tired of lying in bed all day long. Got online and the ex-boyfriend comes online. The one who at one point of time I thought was the love of my life. The one who hit me. The one who stalked me after we broke up. The one whom I took years to get over. The one who made me think I will not be able to fall in love again (thank God I was wrong about that!)

He wanted to let me know that he's become a dad.

I have no words to describe what I feel right now.
I don't love him, I'm not upset by the fact that he's happy with his life. I'm just upset that my life is going nowhere.

I think I'm going to move. I'm not sure where.
I need to go away.

Money or Mastercard?

A new dress from DKNY - 930GBP
A new hairdo by Richard Ward - at least 250GBP (website here, if you have the moolah!)
Susan Boyle today.... priceless!

Stocking up on skywards!

Last week:
Ok, so the presentation went well. Got a lot of positive response from the gathering in Muscat.(could have been the awesome food at the hotel! :P)

But a scary thing happened while I was there. At 6:30 in the morning, I was asleep in my room, and I got a call on my phone. I answered and a male voice said he was calling from the reception and wanted to confirm if i was staying alone in the room. I was half asleep and confused. I confirmed that I was alone. He then said that the hotel was offering a complimentary massage in my room. I was kinda confused by that, "errr.... okayy...?" and then the guy said that it was a massuer which made me feel suspicious. I said I'm not interested and he asked me if any of my friends would be interested.
?!
He thought I was part of some cabin crew!
I said that he'd have to check with them and hung up on him.
I called guest relations, tracked the call to another room at the hotel, made a formal complaint against the guy, and they had him kicked out!

Imagine if I'd let the guy into my room!
And this was no cheap hotel. It was a 5 star one with chains all over the world! The hotel was of course, very apologetic and whatever, but how does that change anything?!

Next week:
I'm going for a quick break to India (nasik) with friends. Hope it stops raining soon and the roads aren't flooded cos we're driving from bombay to Nasik to a vineyard out there. They have a lovely bungalow too which they rent out and I intend to be in a state of complete inebriation when I'm there! :D
Hopefully I won't meet with crazy fake-masseurs while I'm there!

*gulp*

I have my very first corporate presentation coming up on Monday. I will be doing a presentation in front of 30 odd people from 10-12 different companies, in front of people with business cards that read Country Manager and Chief Strategy Officer and whatnot.
I hope I survive!

Oh, and the presentation is in Muscat. Anyone from Muscat reading this blog? Mail me!

"Planning"

Here’s the conversation I had today on chat today between me and a random female I knew from my office in Delhi about 6 years ago. Kindly note that I've not been in touch with her or talked to her in years!
(Typos left as is)

Her: hai, how r u
Me: hey! I'm good
and u?
Her: ok
iam also good
how is life
when u planning to marriage /* WTF!!! Firstly, how does she know I’m NOT married?! Secondly, WTF!!!!! And no, I have not cut out parts of the conversation. She just asked me about marriage first thing!*/
me: life is good.
I’m not planning it. How are things with you?
HER: why /* whyyy??? how the hell is it HER business to know?!*/
iam doing well
planning for a baby
me: oh ok
good luck with that! /* erm… happy humping? */
HER: but same problem is with me' /* What do you mean SAME problem?! what problem???! */
iam taking the treatment /*errrr. Not sure what to say!*/
me: oh ok
HER: where r u
me: in dubai
HER: dubai?
ok
when u r comming to kerala /*errrr. WHY?!*/

...........................
*banging my head against the wall*

Selfish Selfish me.

This is a sad little blog, cold and dark, like a cave. I come here when I want to forget the world that has forgotten me.

Of course, forgetting is not easy. And this cave, so filled with memories, is more a reminder than anything else of the darkness that must exist, of the rain that must fall, in this oh so very solitary journey. I wonder how other people stand it. I guess they're far braver than I will ever be.

I live each day listlessly. I took two days off from work this week. Called in sick. I did nothing all day. I longed for company, and yet shunned it.

I am weary and tired, and need a real hug. One that will fill me up inside and make me feel safe again. Need someone to make me believe that it's all meant to be. But all I have is people telling me to be patient. That'll it'll all be okay. But do you know how long I've felt like an outsider? Do you have any idea how long I've felt like a piece of driftwood floating in the sea?

I've never found home. The demons of my past seem to spring up on me everytime things seem a little better, to remind me that I can't ever escape. And now I'm afraid that I will forever be looking over my shoulder, waiting for fate to catch up with me. And really, I'm tired of running.

I feel like everything I do, I do to avoid being left alone, and yet, I feel more alone than ever. I'm the odd one out, always... like a piece of jigsaw from another puzzle, similar in shape maybe, but one that never quite fits.

This feeling just happened btw. I wasn't unhappy this morning. I wasn't happy either, but I was doing okay, or so I thought. But that feeling of just being, was so easily broken, and I was so easily hurt so deeply, that I feel like it was just a superficial band-aid on a wound that's just been cut too deep to heal.

So I crawl in here, and here I will remain.

Let go!

I'm so tired of constantly trying to avoid thinking of you.

Earth Hour 2009

A few phone calls, a quick visit to the store (they'd turned off their neon signs, and a lot of street lights were off as well) for tea-lights and crisps and I was all set!

On my way back I noticed that the neighbours were out in the corridor, chatting amongst themselves as they had switched off the lights in their houses.

I got home and cheated a bit ( I had to turn on the lights to find the lighter!) and then everything was set! We ended up talking for ages, not turning the lights on even after the hour was over.

Food, friends, chardonnay and good conversation. :o)

And no! That's not me in the pic.

It does matter if you're black or white.

Yes, I liked the movie.
No, I don't think it's Oscar-worthy.

But what i hate now is that though Mr. Patel and Ms. Pinto may be raking in accolades for their performace, the rest of us are being called slumdogs by the white-world.

My blood boils... arrrrrgh!

Life after Love

Just last weekend, we’d met after lunch.
I’d had a heavy lunch and was sleepy. So he took to the wheel while I fell asleep in the passenger seat.

I woke up and looked around.
"Where are we?"
“Umm al Quwain” (about a 100 kms from where we had started off).

We went to the beach and sat in our car, a few feet from the water. Rolled down the windows and watched the sunset. And talked.
Talked for hours about nothing and everything, till long after the sun had set.

I’d like to say it was one of the best days. But so many days with him were so good. Even when we did nothing.

And now…
All around me, my life is surrounded by the things that remind me of him.
His t-shirt (which is now my nightshirt cos it’s so biiiig and comfortable), his sunglasses, which I hate so I’d grabbed it off his head and put it in my bag, and now it’s with me cos I haven’t met him since… the books he wanted me to read, the dvds he wanted me to watch… the chowder I make that he likes so much… the emptiness in my life…

Why does love have to be so difficult when it’s so simple?

So it's Women's Day.

Why bother?

Night Out in Dubai

Side-view mirror view - 2 am at jumeirah beach. I like the way the mosque is lit up.

4 am - Building at the Marina. I like the way it was lit up too. :o)

Same building...

Dubai Marina, 5 am. Foggy day.

Barong Bali!

Take off!

The pool at the villa we were staying at. That's my room in front of it. :o)



They have this thing called "raksha" that they put in front of their houses every morning. It's like an offering to God.



The beach was a short, lovely, walk away from our villa.

... the beach.


Quad biking through the jungle is a messy business!

Temple in Bali.

Have looooads of pics, and mannnnny more memories.

Quad biking, scuba-diving, white-water rafting, pushing people into the pool, getting pushed in, playing water basketball in the pool, just sitting around drinking beer and chatting with friends...

oh man! I need another vacation!

It's all relative!

I was talking with my sister the other day.

Me (in Dubai): Oh! The weather’s so nice and cold here now! It’s 15 degrees! :D
Sis (in the UK): well, the weather’s nice and warm here now. It’s 10 degrees! :P